Oops, Even Teachers are Human!

The Wynberg Staff  'Sorry Award'

Stalin’s show trials of the 1930s pale into insignificance compared to the staff’s ‘Sorry Awards' which take place at the end of every term. Andrei Vyshinsky, Stalin’s pet Prosecutor, would have been proud of the slickness of proceedings in the ceremonial ritual of the Wynberg Sorry Awards where the major Faux Pas of the term are laid bare for all to see.

Guilt is presumed from the outset and the sole object of the staff room Prosecutor is to lead evidence, tenuously based on selected facts, to confirm this presumption.  All of Stalin’s victims had been previously tortured to ensure a public confession for the benefit of the media, but in the 2015 Wynberg staffroom a confession is deemed totally irrelevant as the opinion and views of the accused are neither expected nor required.

'Prosecutor' Rodney Inglis

In an effort to rehabilitate the 'poacher', Rodney Inglis was assigned the responsibility of being this term’s 'game keeper' and appointed 'Prosecutor'.  In anticipation of this, he had been assiduously collecting material for weeks and the final staff meeting of the term promised to be a lengthy affair.

To alleviate this, Roland Rudd started off proceedings by raising a point of order – which would never have been tolerated by the original Vyshinsky in 1936 Moscow.  Roland wanted to know whether there was any point in carrying on with the proceedings when Rodney himself was so clearly the Sorry champion of the term.  Ignoring the protestations of the Prosecutor, he told the assembled teachers of the saga of the rugby programmes over the Grey Weekend.

Rodney was in charge of the gate where spectators were being charged to park on the school campus.  In return they received a match programme.  He retrieved boxes of programmes from the staff room and proceeded to hand them out – not realising that they were left-overs from the rugby festival which had been held the previous weekend.  Opinions vary about the number which had been erroneously handed out at the gate - from ‘maybe three or four’ (Rodney) to ‘hundreds’ (other boys at the gate). 

Whatever the number, scores of bemused parents were going around asking why their sons were now playing Tygerberg and St Johns when they had hosted Grey boys the night before in the expectation of playing them the next day.

Chris Moore

With the power vested in him, Rodney ‘Vyshinsky’ airily dismissed these allegations as ‘grossly exaggerated’ and proceeded to what he considered to be the ‘proper business of the day’.

Old Boy and English Teacher Chris Moore was first in the dock.  Clearly nervous, he wondered what grievous misdemeanour he had done to earn a ‘Sorry’ mention in what was only his second term of teaching. It turned out to be the same rugby festival weekend when he had been tasked to hoist the 175 flag at the ground.

For some reason he decided to hoist it next to the scoreboard at the Jacques Kallis Cricket Oval – which was being used for parking.  No doubt, Jacques would have appreciated the gesture - not to mention all the grateful motorists parking their cars who would have considered it an appropriate welcoming touch.

It wasn’t long before master in charge of rugby, Mike Engelbrecht, noticed the empty flag pole next to the rugby scoreboard.  He phoned Chris.  ‘Where is the flag?’ he said.

Chris was aggrieved.  ‘I put it up personally.’

‘Well, I am standing right here looking at an empty flag post,’ said Mike belabouring the point.

The conversation went back and forth at cross purposes until they eventually worked out that they were referring to different flag posts and Chris was dispatched to the Oval to retrieve the flag. 

Sadly it was not to be. 

Our 175 flag, the twin of the one currently in Melbourne, had been nicked. 

Presumably it is in some schoolboy’s bedroom in some far corner of the country.

We want it back please.

And it has also cost Chris Moore a Sorry nomination in his first year of teaching.

Callum Hobbes-Turner bravely posing
with Jacques Kallis (left) who played some
cricket with Graeme Smith

There has been a resurgence in New Zealand cricket of late – but that has been lost on our Kiwi Gap Year Student, Callum Hobbs-Turner. Graeme Smith, captain of the Proteas, holder of innumerable world cricket records amongst which is a record number of caps as an international captain, arrived to see me during the term.

Callum, who was doing duty in the front office at the time, came to call me.  ‘There is some man in the foyer to see you.‘ he said dismissively.

I seem to recollect Nasser Hussain, captain of England, saying something equally disparaging when Graeme walked out with him for the toss in his first test.  He soon found out who Graeme was when he was obliged to resign after the second test.  For the record, Graeme went to a century of tests as captain.

Fortunately (in contrast to Hussain), Callum has managed to hang on to his job – but instead earned a well-deserved Sorry nomination.  Not bad for a Gap Student – especially when one considers that there are those who have never received a Sorry nomination in all their years of teaching.

Callum was dead keen not to make any mistakes after that.  When a delivery was done a few days later, he came to my door with the parcel.  ‘This has been dropped off for you,’ he said. ‘They are pamphlets advertising a Tutankhamen Exhibition.’

As he left, he turned round and asked, ‘Did Tutankhamen also play cricket for South Africa?’

He scurried out before I could think of a suitable response about the state of New Zealand education. I am still wondering whether that was Kiwi humour.

Larry Moser

Music teacher, Peter Catzavelos, more commonly referred to as The Cat, was next up.  During the exams Larry Moser had found a full set of his matric music exam papers lying in the staff room well after the music boys had finished writing.  Clearly they had not been handed out. 

The Prosecutor tore into this with relish and asked a number of questions - Did the boys have the paper beforehand?  Did they even write a paper?  Were music marks merely a thumb-suck?

The fact that these papers were subsequently found to be spares was of no concern to the Prosecutor as, true to historical precedent, he refused to allow the truth to interfere with a good story.  The Cat reacted like any normal feline on a hot tin roof and howled his innocence.  The courtroom howled back and chaos erupted.

The Cat

The Prosecutor was quick to establish his authority. ‘Back to your basket,’ he instructed the Cat. ‘Court procedure does not allow any defence.’

The Cat nursed his wounded pride with bad grace. Lucky it was not Moscow in 1936.  He would have been taken outside and shot.  An hour later I found him in the car park – and he was still aggrieved. 

‘Don’t worry,’ I reassured him. ‘You can appeal the verdict next term.  I am sure your offence can be upgraded from runner up to first place.’

That was not the answer he wanted to hear.

He presumably was not mollified when he heard that Larry was next up – he of the trumped up music exam charge.  There had been a hair inspection during the term and all those who had not passed muster were lined up outside the door of the Deputy Headmaster.

As boy after boy launched into lengthy explanations why his hair was perfectly acceptable and how unfair the whole process was, one lad said he wanted to appeal.

‘Well,’ said an exasperated Larry Moser, ‘the Headmaster is busy, so you can just go and appeal to the Chairman of the Governing Body.’

‘I will too,’ said Matthew Cassells. ‘He is my Dad.’

Well, that was obviously an exercise in futility as he came back the next day, duly shorn and neat.

Matthew can take some modicum of satisfaction in knowing that his Deputy Headmaster was nominated for a Sorry Award for this incident.

The prosecutor then tried a few half-hearted attempts to bring charges against the Headmaster, but in comparison to the heinous indictments against the others, those were inconsequential and a mere slap on the wrist!

Anton Grobler, safely watching
his team in action at Saints, eventually

The winner, though, of the Sorry Award for June 2015 was never in doubt. Anton Grobler was in a class of his own and won it hands down.  During the Easter holidays, he had managed the first team hockey which was travelling to Johannesburg to take part in the Saints Easter Hockey Festival.  The team was on the same aeroplane as our rugby and basketball teams but all managers had made separate arrangements with their particular sports regarding transport from the airport in Johannesburg to St Stithians.

Out of the goodness of his heart, Anton decided not to trouble his hockey hosts and drew money so that his boys could take the Gautrain from O R Tambo Airport.  He thought nothing of it when the plane landed and the other sport teams were met and whisked off in various busses by their hosts,  waving fond farewells.  He certainly was not concerned as he led his bemused team to find the Gautrain.

He would have had a long walk.  The plane had landed at Lanseria Airport.

Even though the Cat had put in a strong bid, Anton had brushed aside all pretenders and accepted the Sorry Trophy with good grace.

Some time later after the Sorry Awards, Ben Thompson remarked to me in my office that ‘it had been a good term’.  As Director of Academics, he was clearly referring to the June Exam results. I concurred with him and commented that the insistence on the Wynberg Pass over the last few years was resulting in boys raising their sights so much higher.  However, I did observe that the same trend was also evident in the quality (and quantity) of Sorry nominees.

High standards have clearly been maintained in that area of school life as well.