Biff at the Bill Bowden

Paul Barichievy manages to pull it off every time.  I don’t know how he does it, but he unfailingly comes up with quality speakers for every Open Microphone event organised every few months under the auspices of the Wynberg Old Boys’ Union.

Graeme Smith & Paul Barichievy

Twenty three speakers, usually renowned sportsmen, have visited the Bill Bowden Pavilion over the last few years and chatted to the assembled company of Old Boys, Parents and Friends.  The evening is finished off with questions from the floor, before the gathering can tuck into eats prepared by the Committee wives.  As any discerning potential girlfriend knows – you involve yourself with a cricketer at your peril.  Before you know it, your relationship will be sorely tested when you are requested:

• to score or
• to prepare lunch or
• to set out teas or
• to wash up.

If the budding relationship is really going places, then all the above might have to come into play.

Captain & Headmaster

For years, the mother of a newly appointed school cricket captain has groaned in horror as she realised the implications when her son arrived home announcing that he has been made captain of the cricket team.  Usually, the proud son – and even more delighted and honoured father – then  closet themselves away in a father-son bonding session to discuss tactics for the next few days.  These sentiments are in no way shared by the mother for whom hours with tea cups and dish cloths loom ahead.  Visions of those Saturday and Sundays in the kitchen of the cricket clubhouse during her courting days come rushing back to haunt her.

At the Open Microphone events, the realities of phase three of the Cursus Honorum of Cricketing Spouses hit home.  By marrying a Committee Member of the Wynberg Old Boys’ Union, they are now expected to prepare plates of eats for over a hundred expectant sport lovers.

Presumably they make a mental note to advise their daughters to write something into ante-nuptial contracts in case they are even vaguely considering involving themselves with a cricketer!

Brendan Venter

If it is any consolation for the catering brigade, the quality of the speakers organised by Paul  is worth every minute spent in the kitchen.  Once he decides on a speaker, he does not let go.  In his opening few lines in his talk, rugby Springbok, Brendan Venter,  bemoaned the fact that Paul did not know how to take a hint.  For months, Brendan told Paul that he was not prepared to travel out from Somerset West to speak to Wynberg Old Boys and Friends. Bulldog Barichievy was not prepared to let go and eventually, tired of the incessant phone calls, Brendan succumbed and gave us an excellent address.

This seems to be Paul’s modus operandi and it works for him.  The impressive list of celebrity speakers, who have been prevailed upon to grace the Bill Bowden Pavilion, bears testament to his doggedness.

Over the years, we have marvelled at the cerebral speakers such as Dr Tim Noakes, Morne du Plessis and Vincent van der Bijl.  We have celebrated the passion of Rassie Erasmus, Gary Kirsten and Alastair Coetzee.  We have laughed along with Allan Lamb, Andre Watson and Rob Louw.

Ali Bacher
& Dave Williams' book

Many of the speakers encompass all these attributes – and current SA cricket captain, Graeme Smith, was one of these.  He won the entire audience over with his sincerity and his obvious love of his profession.  He was the third old boy of King Edward V11 School in Johannesburg (KES) to speak  superbly in the Bill Bowden Pavilion that week.   He followed his KES fellow old boys, Dr Ali Bacher and Dave Williams, onto the podium.  They were co-authors of ‘Jacques Kallis and Twelve other Great South African Allrounders ‘ who had launched their new book  to much acclaim a few days before.

Graeme took no nonsense from Brad Bing, the MC for the evening,  easily managing to steer his way round the seemingly innocent  traps into which Brad was trying try to lure him.

I still have a semblance of guilt about a question I asked Graeme  eleven years ago when he took over the captaincy of the Proteas at the impossible early age of 22.  I found myself invited to a breakfast marking the occasion which was hosted by the Cape Times.  The squad to tour England had just been announced and Lance Klusener had been left out.  The headlines were all provocative. 

‘Smith is threatened by me,’ lamented Klusener later in one article.  ‘He got rid of me.’

So, in all innocence, I asked Graeme whether Klusener had a future under a Smith captaincy.  The newly-appointed 22 year old South African captain did not hold back.  I am not quite sure who was more flabbergasted  - Smith, Klusener or me – when the reply was reported in full in the press over the next few days:  

‘Lance Klusener is a disruptive force who can ruin a team…..  We decided Lance as a team man can only cause hassles and we want to move forward in SA cricket. To be honest Lance, as fantastic as he is . . . can sometimes infect a team and bring down the youth.’

Whew!   Sorry I asked.

Brad Bing

After eleven years and 101 tests as captain of South Africa, Graham Smith has now learnt a few tricks of the trade and was easily able to nudge Brad’s questions to the boundary.  He would have done the same to Brad’s gentle left arm looping spinners in the old days.

‘You have a cheek, Brad, asking about Jacques’ hair when you hardly have any….’

Wonderful.

Brad was not put off.  ‘Tell us about Minky van der Westhuizen,’ he asked, referring to a voluptuous model who had been frequently seen on the arm of the national captain.  ‘Were her natural assets as impressive as we were led to believe?’

Graham hit it for a one-bounce four over square leg.  ‘How do you think I became such a good slip fielder?’ he replied, while cupping his hands to imitate taking a slip catch.

U14s caught in the slips

I glanced at the door where two U14 cricketers were coming straight from practice to listen to one of their heroes.  I could just hear what was going through their minds.

‘Excuse me, Sir,’ they would be saying to their cricket coach, Shaun Hewett, at their next practice. ‘We really do not think that our slip catching is up to scratch.  Graeme Smith has recommended this new method of mastering the art of slip catching.’

As a practical-thinking headmaster, I was just wondering who was going to do the quality testing of these new slip-catching machines.

Sensibly, Brad then decided to take discussions to serious cricket matters.  I did notice, though, that  the two U14 boys spent the rest of the evening day-dreaming - presumably of double hundreds at Lords.

During the course of the discussions, Brad asked Graeme when it was that he had finally realised that he could make it as an international player.  He replied that it was after his first two hundred at Lords.  He recounted how the England skipper, Nasser Hussain, had tried to rattle him at the toss by deliberately calling him Greg.  However, that did not put him off the marathon innings which followed which was one of guts, character and concentration.

Personally, I think that the defining moment of Graeme’s career came on 7th January 2009 at the Sydney Cricket Ground when he went out to bat at no. 11 with a broken hand, to face an Australian attack in full cry.  Wearing Paul Harris’ hamburger stained cricket pullover, the protective cast removed from his broken finger  and with the advice of Jacques Kallis ringing in his ears (‘remember that chicks dig scars’),  he went out for the only time in his life to be the junior batting partner of Mkaya Ntini.  They needed to survive 37 balls to secure an improbable draw.  He fell 10 balls short.

‘The Bravest Man in World Cricket’.

That they nearly pulled it off was a credit to both batsmen.  One Australian headline the next day said:  ‘The Bravest Man in World Cricket’.

Ricky Ponting said that the character traits displayed by Smith were what everyone looked for in a leader.

I wonder if Graeme Smith, or indeed any of the speakers at our Open Mike evenings, realises how inspirational they are.  For an hour or two every few months, we receive a glimpse of the tenacity, determination and drive which sportsmen at the top of their professions invariably display.

He also knows how to impress the locals.  As a new neighbour of the school, he remarked during his talk that he would love to send his young son, Carter (born July 2013) to Wynberg Boys’ High School one day.

Good move, Biff.  Imagine how good a cricketer you may have become if you, too, like your mate Jacques Kallis, had gone to Wynberg Boys’ High.